In the wake of last week’s article, which you can read here, I had to find a worthy follow-up. A few people were actually asking me to write more on the same subject. I’m an artist, dammit, and I have to change it up because of integrity…and ego…and Eggos…and Legos…and Legolas…and legs of a lass…okay. I’m done. Needless to say, I got to thinking (I swear I do that now and then) and decided I’m going to do the exact same thing as last week…except the exact opposite.
So, how do I go from the grizzly carnage that is Mortal Kombat to something kompletely different? I switch to the polar opposite and see what characters the WWE stars would be if they were in the Disney Universe. Not the Marvel or Star Wars Universes, but the actual Disney canon. I don’t feel the need to explain this further to you. If you don’t get the concept by now then you’re pretty much doomed. Let’s do this.
Daniel Bryan/Simba from The Lion King:
Why, you ask? Well, let’s get into the tale of a small character who just needs to find his place in the world. Through a crazy chain of events, he somehow comes to believe that he’s a bad guy because he was told he was. He begins to evolve, growing out a mane and realizing that he truly is a good guy. Sure, there are a lot of roadblocks in his way, including some super annoying villains that serve as stooges to the main authority of the land. Along the way he meets a female who gives him googly eyes. But, in the end, he redeems himself, proving that he is truly a hero for the ages. What happens after that? Let’s not talk about that. Ever.
Eva Marie/ Ariel from The Little Mermaid
She has red hair and she’s require to change if she wants to live out her dream. Man, this one was easy. I could take the low road and add a “crabs” joke, I guess. Or make a pun about her “floundering” in her career a bit. Listen, all the parts to a good joke are here, I’m tired, and you have access to a comment section. Moving on.
Roman Reigns/ Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Let’s have a moment of confession. All of you reading this, gather ‘round. I’m not alone on this, but when I spell “beauty,” my fingers hate typing those letters in that order. No idea why. It goes against every muscle memory I have. By a show of hands (comments), who else actually does the Jim Carrey, “B-E-A-Utiful!” thing? No? You liar. You’re going to Hell.
Roman Reigns is this guy that most perceive as a beautiful hero…at first. Then…one day…it all comes CRASHING DOWN as the truth makes it way to the surface. The truth, of course, is that he’s kinda a dick and wants to fight a beast. Though the beast, at first, seems to be the villain, everyone viewing soon comes to love the beast much more than Gaston. So it is, when the beast slays him and tosses from his rise to the top of the world, we all rejoice and hail the beast as the greatest thing in the history of all things ever.
John Cena/Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story
He’s such a hero that it’s almost annoying. He doesn’t have an edge, he’s just purely heroic, even if that means he sometimes has to humiliate characters that we like. In fact, his character so completely overcomes him that he doesn’t actually know that what he’s doing is fantasy sometimes. Also, he can’t fly. It’s awkward when he tries. He’s always running to the rescue, and one time he was Mrs. Nesbit. I don’t think that last point counts for Cena, I just really liked that scene because it was armless Buzz Lightyear with a tiny pink hat, losing his mind and drinking tea. Reread that sentence if you need to know why I bothered mentioning it. Reread it over and over until you understand.
J&J Security/Pain and Panic from Hercules
Here are two guys that, even combined, don’t actually threaten our mighty heroes in any physical way. They’re mostly just hilarious, and, despite being bad guys, we can’t help but find them super likable. The only thing they truly exist to do is serve their much darker and much more sinister master. They constantly screw everything up, but somehow are continuously trusted with tasks from their master as if they are ever not going to screw it up.
Ric Flair/Hades from Hercules
When I started this I didn’t want any repeats, but I had to just this once. Technically, I’m making up the rules as I go along. I’m like a six-year old who is playing tag and decides on a whim that certain things make him safe with no logical explanation.
We have this guy who’s just an amazing villain. He can talk circles around anyone in the most eccentric manner imaginable. Sure, he’s ancient beyond measure, but he forever retains the gift of the gab. Maybe he can’t always physically compete with the hero, but we love him and his borderline insane self anyway.
Kane/Professor Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective
He tries so hard to be this sophisticated member of society. He’s a villain, even in his disguise, using his position of power to manipulate things to his liking. But, beneath that cloak of a learned gentleman lurks a monster that sometimes comes unleashed in horrifying ways.
Seth Rollins/Randall from Monsters Inc.
He’s a squirmy little butthole who we can’t help but admit is really, really good at his job. He claims to be the best, even when he cheats to prove it. He avoids the beating that we all know he needs, even shockingly holding his own when confronted with a much larger opponent. He’s sly and sinister, yet his claim to being the best at his job is backed up by the fact that he has a title to show that he is, at the very least, far cleverer than his coworkers.
The Big Show/Prince John from Robin Hood
Logic says I should have compared Big Show and the Sheriff of Nottingham, but logic be damned. Sure, the sheriff is the big bully who runs around and picks on all those who are smaller and weaker than himself. And sure, he’s basically a lackey for the true authority in the land. BUT…Prince John cries all the time. Case closed here.
The Bellas/Anastasia and Drizella from Cinderella
Who are Anastasia and Drizella? I had to look up their names. They’re the evil step sisters to Cinderella. These two sisters are constantly bullying those they perceive as beneath them. Often this involves humiliating them, purposely making their lives harder just to be a nuisance, and trying to remain on their pedestals as the favorites of their superior, even if the viewer doesn’t agree with it. They’re often at-odds with each other, but somehow always find themselves on the same side in the end. They’re annoying most of the time, but I guess they serve a purpose and I’ll just let them do their thing.
Neville/Peter Pan from Peter Pan
Do you know who Peter Pan is? Do you know who Neville is? Okay. You get it then. NEXT.
Jerry Lawler/Mickey Mouse from everything ever
We have here an outdated character that we respect immensely, even if sometimes he can be annoying or say strange things. At the end of the day, he’s a classic, even if it may be time to take him out behind the shed and do what needs to be done.
I could literally do this all night, but you don’t want to read that much (cuz reading) and I’m tired. So, let’s just drop off here and I’ll just assume that all of you have a hundred more, just like I do. I missed a lot of the roster and Disney characters because there’s only so much space dedicated to my tiny, slightly insane world of words and wacky weird…stuff. Alliteration!
Let’s have it then. You have an awesome comment to write below, so do it up. I wrote all that up there for you, the least you can do is return the favor in a really small way. If not, whatever. Follow me on Twitter where you’ll learn that I have a love of debunking everything the @Facts account says because I’m a dick.
@JakobDraper is the place, now is the time.