Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of ALL ages, we have ourselves a “GO-HOME” edition of WWE Smackdown. What’s going to happen? Will any of the guys in the two main event matches even be here? Will we get more than four matches? Will there be a special appearance from Hulk Hogan? Has anyone discovered a wrong way to eat a Reece’s yet? Will I have to drink myself into a stupor just to get through this show? Will I drink myself into a stupor even if it’s not a requirement? Let’s dive in and find out.
I’m going to have to go look into ye olde’ archives on this, but this might be the first time since I’ve been reviewing this show that it started with a match and not a promo.
Ryback vs. The Big Show
*Some great piped-in boos for Big Show made a crowd of people expressing, “Meh, who gives a shit?” into a crowd of people expressing, “Hey! We give a shit! Screw that tall guy! Grrr!”
*Are they in England? There’s an unreasonable amount of fog. Or maybe they’re in Colorado and that’s not at all fog. And now I understand why Ryback is so hungry on this specific night.
*Jerry Lawler: “He’s a real giant for real.” Way to English, Jerry. He had a few other lines throughout the course of the show, but after a few minutes of him I completely tune out.
*Maybe it’s just me here, but the atmosphere of this match is very, “Let’s just do this because we have to.” The announcers have 0 passion. The crowd sounds like they’re mostly soundbits from WWE ’15. The Big Show and Ryback are mostly just here because Vince promised free catering. Yet, in all fairness, if you promise me free food then you can bet your sweet bippy that I will be at whatever event you’re inviting me to.
*The match was slow, but once it went outside the ring there was a huge spot where Ryback clotheslined Big Show through the barricade, which also wiped out the camera in the process. I guess this was their way of showing that Show and Ryback might take each other out on Sunday so Miz can win, since, ya know, there’s absolutely no chance that Miz is going to win that match.
That felt more like a promo than a match. Even the way the announcers talked about it seemed like a promo.
Los Matedores vs The New Day
*Really? Last week they only had four matches on the whole show. This week they’re just flowing from one match into the next with no promos. That would be fine, but they’re probably going to give us ten matches with no finishes or that are squashes. If WWE was pornography then no one would ever buy it. Too often there’s no finish and sometimes the whole thing is over in a minute and only one person looks any good while the other just lays down and fakes like they can’t handle any more.
*Oh my God, that last bulletpoint has changed professional wrestling forever.
*El Torito was in this match because they need someone to make the credible team of The New Day look like complete crap when a little person dressed in a bull outfit somehow gets the better of them. I would pay money to watch Brock Lensar F-5 that little shit head through the ring.
*El Torito got the hot tag and started taking down Xavier Woods and took out Big E. And then I Googled, “How to tie a trustworthy noose.”
*Big E came in and gave Torito a backbreaker and a huge, exaggerated splash. I then Googled, “How to give Big E all of your money.”
*Woods tagged in and pinned Torito and The New Day celebrated as the crowd “booed.” I’m telling you, that crowd wasn’t booing live. If this had been a live show it would have been a pop like we just heard glass shattering over the sound system.
Winner: The New Day
Dolph Ziggler made his way out for the first promo of the night. Considering how far into this review I am, that’s a strange thing to type.
Ziggler talked about how great it was to be back with Lana and in the ring. Good to know that you didn’t see your girlfriend at all while you sat at home for six weeks. She didn’t at all care about your crushed throat. You didn’t text each other or call one another. WWE loves the idea that there is no existence outside of WWE. You got hurt? Well, you’re home alone until you’re better. You got fired? You are working at a sandwich shop or unemployed.
Rusev came out and said he’s going to beat up Ziggler at SummerSlam. Basically. I mean, it had way more words, but that’s about it. That, and, “And Summer will beat up Lana too.” Ziggler said, “Nuh uh. I’ll beat YOU up, butthole!” Then his music played so Rusev wouldn’t have been able to respond even if he wanted to. Wouldn’t that suck in real life? Someone else burns you and before you can respond they just have theme music play and they pose and you’re not allowed to respond.
Bo Dallas vs. Neville
*When one character gets a full entrance on television and the other doesn’t get one at all, it’s pretty obvious who’s going to win. Which is a shame, since these two had an awesome feud in NXT and now Bo Dallas is just a joke. Neville is awesome, and he definitely needs the win that he will probably have before I even finish typing this sentence, but Dallas deserves better.
*It wasn’t over by the time I finished the last point, but Bo Dallas was set up for the Red Arrow within ten seconds of it and it was over. Neville has enough talent that he doesn’t need a 20 minute match to have a great match. He can do it in like 5-10 minutes. So Vince is like, “Alright. Give him two minutes then.” God dammit.
After the match Stardust cut a promo about how the Cosmic King and Prince of Dark Matter are going to beat the Green Arrow and the Red Arrow. Barrett said, “Red and Green are going to turn black and blue,” and Stardust said, “Because he’s going to punch you.” Which was actually funny. The whole thing is fun. Too bad that’s all the attention they gave the feud tonight.
The Bellas came out for a promo because WWE hates me. God dammit. I hate it and it hasn’t started yet. Then Nikki started talking and I opened that tab on how to make a noose. She kept talking while I read over the steps and oh my God my brain is being microwaved. She’s the worst, and I watched Tara Reid in Sharknado, so I know what I’m talking about here. Just watch Mean Girls and you’ll get a better version of this promo. Or watch those commercials where they make you feel bad about starving kids in other countries. It’s less depressing.
Team BAD (GOD DAMMIT) came out to interrupt. Naomi can talk because she has an actual personality, so at least the Bellas aren’t talking. Then Sasha bragged about beating Nikki, which is cool because Sasha Banks is cool. But then Sasha said the following line:
“Oh, Brie. Do you not want to happen what Nikki happened on Raw?” And I thought, “Yes…? No? Wait…what?” Still better than Brie’s line: “You call yourself ‘The Boss’ but I can think of another word that better describes you that starts with a B.” That’s right, this promo was written by Nickolodeon writers. I don’t want to do any more transcripts for this interaction. I don’t even want to watch this show any more. I just want to eat pizza rolls and cry.
Charlotte and Becky Lynch came out. I don’t know where Paige is. I could easily find out, and I’m assuming it’s something to do with Tough Enough, but I’m hungry and this promo made me too grumpy to feel like going above and beyond. If the writers of the show want to keep giving me crap like that then I’m not going to care enough to fill in my own readers on such things.
Becky Lynch vs. Brie Bella vs. Sasha Banks
*This match was advertised so little that they didn’t even advertise for it as it was happening. It just…started. With no announcement or anything.
*Brie was hitting kicks and the crowd was chanting “Yes.” That’s cool of her to do babyface moves so that I can be further confused about everything.
*It would have been okay for this match to just turn into Sasha Banks beating the crap out of Brie. Sasha has some BRUTAL offense, and Brie, whether or not she has any other talents or not, can sell very well.
*After Sasha beat down Brie it turned into Becky beating down Brie. Which then instantly turned into Brie getting a quick rollup pin. That’s four matches and all have been like two minutes each. Because WWE hates me. I guess the silver lining is that everyone got screwed over on this show so far, not just the Divas. So maybe the company isn’t cooling on giving them real matches just yet.
Winner: Brie Bella
Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose had a backstage promo. It was about how they’re going to beat up Wyatt and Harper. And then Randy Orton came in and said to beat up Sheamus. Then Cesaro came in and said they’re all crazy and he just wants to beat Kevin Owens. He’s still wearing his “Cesaro/Kidd” shirt. That’s incredibly awesome of him when you consider how far he’s coming as a singles competitor. He could easily get his own unique shirt but he wears that one to show support for his former teammate.
They showed the altercation between Undertaker and Lesnar from Raw, and really all that you need to know is that Paul Heyman can cut a mean promo and the first DLC for WWE ’16 will be a new finishing move where The Undertaker kicks you in the jewels. The marbles. The yarbles. The ol’ danglers. The coin purse. Alright. I’m done.
Randy Orton, Cesaro, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus, Kevin Owens, Luke Harper, and Bray Wyatt
*Two hours of television time and 1 hour and 45 minutes is entrances for this match. Cesaro’s was the only one not televised. Because WWE hates me.
*So, there were a few entrances, then a commercial break, then the rest of the entrances, Orton went for an RKO, then there was a commercial break.
*Cesaro hit a delayed suplex on Owens while Owens kept punching him in the gut. I am very excite about their match on Sunday. Very excite indeed.
*Once the initial spotfest moved forward it became Cesaro playing the babyface in peril while the heels beat him up. The best part was Kevin Owens because he’s just so damn good. Not just in the ring, but the little heel things he does. He picked Cesaro’s hand up and acted like he would tag one of the other faces in and said, “Ooooh. He almost got to you!” He’s so great. He’s just. So. Great. Every match I’ve ever seen him in he does little stuff like that and it sets him apart. Since I am 99% sure this match is ending with a big babyface win/celebration, at least I get to enjoy some of the little things to get there.
*Cesaro’s dropkick gets a bulletpoint all to itself. Christ. It’s like art. Someone .gif that bad boy.
*Hot tag to Roman Reigns because the best way for a huge move sequence is to make every single move in the sequence a clothesline or a punch.
*The REAL hot tag came when Reigns got to Ambrose and he went all kinds of batshit crazy, leaving him to do all kinds wild moves. The thing about Ambrose is that he legitimately looks like a dude who has absolutely no clue what he’s going to do in two seconds. He just runs around all willy nilly, tossing his body into whatever he sees and hoping that it’s a person and not a passing deer or something.
*Things got nuts when everyone started hitting their finishers. The only one who didn’t was Cesaro because WWE hates me. BUT, it led to the finish when Ambrose hit Dirty Deeds on Harper. Weird finish, since it was a guy pinning another guy that he’s facing in three days. Of course, considering how protected everyone in this match was, Luke Harper was the only person who was taking a pin. So whatever.
Winners: Randy Orton, Cesaro, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns
Things We Learned on This Week’s Smackdown:
*In fact, not even ONE of the four guys in SummerSlam main events made it to this show to promote Sunday. And no one figured out how to incorrectly eat a Reece’s.
*I didn’t look into the archives, but I’m still certain this is the first time since I have been doing this show that they started with a match and not a promo. But the match was basically treated like a promo. So, whatever.
*WWE hates me.
*I learned how to make a noose and learned how to give all of my money to Big E.
*Dolph Ziggler didn’t speak to or see Lana, his “girlfriend,” for six weeks and only talks to and sees her on Mondays and Thursdays and sometimes Sundays once a month.
*When booking the show and pitching it to Vince, the bookers said, “Let’s have Neville go over Bo Dallas in a minute.” To which Vince responded, “Who the Hell is Bo Dallas?”
*“Oh, Brie. Do you not want to happen what Nikki happened on Raw?” Analysts will ponder that gem for a while.
*As soon as this review is finished I need pizza rolls and Toy Story 3 in my life.
*There are a lot of slang terms that all mean “testicles.”
*Kevin Owens and Cesaro were the glaring bright spots on this show. And Ambrose. Because he’s a wild man on the edge.
That’s all I’ve got. This one was rough. WWE has so much on their plate for this weekend that they put no effort into making this show worth your time. Just watch something else instead. Like, anything else. Listen to my podcast at facebook.com/WhatEvenPod. I put effort into it, at least. That’s a far better investment of your time. Here’s hoping that next week they remember that they have to record Smackdown before it’s about to start. Check me out on Twitter @JakobDraper, where I’ll surely be live Tweeting SummerSlam, which, despite WWE’s best efforts here, I’m still very excited for. And over at Facebook at facebook.com/JakeDraperRulesTheGalaxy, where you can see all the other stuff that I write or record or whatever. I’m a busy guy, so try keeping up.