WWE Smackdown Review 07/16/15

I started watching this week’s Smackdown, got to the intro song, stopped it, started it over again, hit play again, then started taking a drink of water just for the comedic effect of spitting it out from shock that the show DIDN’T start with a recap of Monday’s Raw. I go to great lengths to make sure I sell things as dramatically as humanly possible.

This week’s show kicks off with Roman Reigns. Smackdown tends to be booked mostly as Reigns’ show, in case you didn’t already notice. He’s this show’s John Cena. His promo was him claiming that Bray Wyatt isn’t in his head. This, naturally, led to Wyatt interrupting with a promo from backstage or Hell or a really humid swamp or something. He said that his hand was the hammer that would tear down the monument. “Monument,” of course, being a metaphor for Reigns. A Roman Monument. Like the Colosseum. Reigns fired back by challenging him really loudly, pretty much identical to a fired-up John Cena promo.

If I had to sum this whole segment up it would be something like this:

Bray Wyatt: “I’m cryptic and I want to get in your head.”

Roman Reigns: “Whatever, bro. FIGHT ME!!!!!”

Wyatt: “Oh, I will. Psychologically.”

Reigns: “I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE BEARD!!!”

Wyatt: “You will, but I will always be your master.”

Reigns: “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Super Saiyan transformation*”

You basically don’t even need to watch this show now.

The Lucha Dragons vs. The New Day

*This is a minor gripe that no one else is going to pick up on because they don’t have to write it out so often, but WWE sometimes refers to them as “THE” New day, and other times as “A” New Day. It’s giving me substantially more aggravation than it’s worth.

*The Prime Time Players were on commentary for this match and Titus O’ Neil’s voice is so deep that sometimes I have literally no idea what the Hell he’s even saying. Meanwhile, Darren Young mostly sat attentively and completely emotionally invested in the match.

*The two highlights of this match have to be The New Day overreacting to every offensive move they do like every time they trip someone they need to celebrate. I would be completely fine with fireworks going off and confetti cannons firing into the ring every time one of them hits any move. Punch. Confetti. Kick. Streamers. Suplex. Explosions. Times one thousand.

*Kalisto is just great. I know it’s almost sacrilegious to compare someone to a young Rey Mysterio, but that’s what I see. Yes, you’ll have a clip of some old Mysterio matches where he does some insane stuff, but you have to remember that Kalisto hasn’t had many one-on-one matches to shine. Inevitably he will and it will be very interesting to see how his career progresses. Do I expect Mystero-levels of success? Most likely not. But, as every single wrestler who’s ever done any interview in the history of ever says, “Never say never.”

*Big E got the pin after a pretty fun match, considering it wasn’t given a lot of time. Makes sense that they won, since they have a Tag Team title match coming up (which I’m crossing my fingers they win).

Winner: The New Day

After the match The New Day cut a promo celebrating more. Big E’s was the best part. His voice is perfect for these “positivity promos” that The New Day always does. I think his run in the tag division is going to push him to a different level. Of course, the tough guys that the Prime Time Players are, they had to turn it into, “Let’s fight,” and the promo ended. Seems like that’s the go-to for all babyfaces. “I don’t want to talk. I just want to punch you.”

Jack Swagger vs. King Barrett

*Jerry Lawler said, “He gets fan mail from Snuffaluffagus.” I have no idea why. I didn’t hear the context. All I heard was the silence directly after where the other announcers were basically thinking, “What the f*** are you even saying to me right now?”

*Swagger did a, “We The People,” taunt. It’s just not the same without Zeb Colter around. Anyone else miss Zeb Colter? I miss Zeb Colter. I also really like saying Zeb Colter.

*Zeb Colter.

*Barrett got the Bullhammer basically out of nowhere for the pin.

Winner: King Barrett

After the match R-Truth came out and cut a promo. Barrett kept cutting him off and told him that he’s sick of his nonsense. Wanna know what nonsense I’m sick of? This feud. Barrett says he is king because he won a tournament and that the King of the Ring is one of the most prestigious titles in WWE. Then his nose grew all the way down the entrance ramp and impaled R-Truth through the chest, killing him instantly.

Oh, sweet. The $56,000 Cadillac is here. AGAIN. My only question is, “Why the f*** is the f***cking Cadillac being towed around the mother f***ing country?” That’s probably not cheap. That money could go toward booking Brock Lesnar for like 15 more minutes at some point. Or toward The New Day’s celebratory fireworks. Or for, bear with me here, maybe a fully-functional car. Plus, I have to assume the legal owner of the car has insurance for just such an incident. That’s vandalism. Just take out a claim already, guys. I’m really worked up over this stupid car being lugged all over the place, and even more worked up that they can’t stop telling us how much it cost. It’s so important that they spent $56,000 to prove they have the money? Why not reference the fact that the performer who destroyed it gets paid upward of $5 million to show up to work like ten times in a year? Now THAT is a statistic that will blow your mind. Whatever. My blood pressure is making my face hurt.

Rusev vs. Cesaro

*I have been excited to watch this match since I was told it was taking place. There’s nothing more to say about Cesaro. I’ve said it all and he says more just by showing up and doing his thing. But Rusev, however, I believe showed a completely different side of himself on Raw by showing off his endurance that, frankly, is really shocking for such a big guy. This match is a chance for him to show that off that much more.

*Have you ever been watching television and a commercial for pizza comes on and you’re like, “Wow, I want pizza?” That’s how it was for me watching this match when the fans started chanting, “We want Lana!” I wanted pizza. And Lana. I want to share a pizza with Lana.

*The offense of both of these guys is just barbaric. The crowd’s reaction to every bump says it all. “Ooooooooooooh.” It makes me wish The New Day was outside to overreact to how much it must hurt.

*Only a few minutes into this match and the thing that deserves mentioning is that there’s no wasted movement between these two. It’s a very kinetic match with very few rest holds for them to catch their breath. These guys are the very definition of “athletes.”

*There are a whole lot of camera shots of Summer Rae standing outside of the ring being a bad actress. Every single facial expression is, “Oh my. Oh dear.” Then some claps to either encourage Rusev’s offense or to tell him to get back on offense.

*Cesaro got the pin after a Neutrilizer. It was a great match, and the crowd’s reaction to his win gave me chills because it’s been a long, hard road for Cesaro and for the fans to finally be so firmly behind him is poetic.

Winner: Cesaro

As the announcers mentioned, this was the first time Rusev has been pinned on Smackdown, but, more importantly, it’s the first time he’s been pinned on television. Period. He’s only ever lost by pinfall to John Cena on PPV’s.

Neville vs. Stardust

*I like comic books, so this being a “comic book feud” story is fine with me. I take no issue with WWE being cartoony now and then, but I think Stardust needs to go. I have a lot of people disagreeing with that statement, but, let’s face it, the gimmick has ran its course. Cody is a great talent and he can pull anything off. Change him up a little and give him more of a dynamic character to run with and I assure you, he will make it work.

*Neville got a rollup pin. It was a pretty quick match. I don’t agree with not having a Red Arrow on my screen if Neville is going to win, and I also think that having Stardust lose in a short match is a bad idea, considering they want him to feud with Stephen Amell from Arrow fame and it would be good to make him look threatening.

Winner: Neville

Stardust jumped Neville backstage and acted diabolical. He even had a diabolical laugh.

They recapped the Divas segment from Raw. There’s been a lot said on TJRWrestling about that segment, so I say everything’s been said and now let’s just see how things play out. Will WWE drop the ball? Will Sasha Banks or Charlotte be Divas Champion soon? Will Paige marry me? Find out next time on DRAGON BALL Z!

Sasha Banks, Naomi, and Tamina are calling themselves “BAD,” meaning “Best At Dominating.” That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life, and I lived through the 90’s and I’ve heard the song We Built This City on Rock ‘N’ Roll before, so that’s how…BAD it is. Anyway, I ordered some cyanide pills, just in case they don’t drop that team name soon. Some things are just intolerable and I gotta do what I gotta do.

Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus and The Big Show

*Listen, I respect the Hell out of The Big Show. He’s legitimately the largest athlete in the world and somehow he’s had a ton of longevity. I mean, consider if you weigh 150lbs and you fall down. That hurts. Now push 400 or even 500lbs and fall down. There’s no way that a man that large can learn to bump comfortably. I don’t think he needs to retire, as some do, but I definitely think he needs to be positioned as a tag team partner to someone and help them out instead of just being an angry big guy who punches people. Put him and Neville in a tag team and it would be a great time. Who needs to jump off the top rope when they can jump off Big Show’s shoulders? His place in the company needs to change.

*Dean Ambrose is so fun. Take a minute of time and look up some of his indie stuff. He’s not just suddenly really fun because he’s in WWE. He’s just a really wild and strange person with pretty much no concern for his own well-being.

*Sheamus, despite popular opinion, is an entertaining character. I just think his offense is kind of boring. It’s a lot of slow movement, but his constant taunting is fun. Probably because of his awesome accent that makes me think of every Irish stereotype ever.

*Ambrose played the babyface in peril for most of the match while Big Show and Sheamus tagged in and out.

*Roman Reigns came in after a hot tag and punched a bunch of stuff. It’s not the most technically proficient way to go, but the crowd sure eats it up and that’s really all that matters, right?

*Ambrose went for his dive through the middle rope, Big Show caught him and went for a chokeslam through the table, which Ambrose turned into a sweet ass DDT and pulled both of them through. I am certain that was more beautiful than either of them had anticipated.

*The match ended in DQ when Bray Wyatt ran interference and, OF COURSE, Roman Reigns got the upper-hand and Superman punched him and speared Sheamus.

Winner: Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns via DQ

Is it really doing any harm to Reigns’ character to let Wyatt get the upper-hand after a sneak attack? All that did was make Wyatt look weak. There was no harm to anyone in not having this show end with Reigns standing tall over everyone else on the show.

What We Learned on This Week’s Smackdown:

*I felt like ranting a lot this week, I guess. Don’t let that fool you. I believe the WWE is really pushing for some positive changes in the company right now, but that doesn’t mean the stuff their doing wrong is without sin.

*Roman Reigns has been watching a lot of fired-up John Cena promos lately. He must have subscribed to the WWE Network.

*Dear WWE,

$56,000 buys a LOT of confetti. Just putting that on the table. Feel free to just slide it right back to me if you want, but, ya know, the idea is there.

*Jerry Lawler and his dad jokes.

*I want to hear Paul Heyman say, “ZEEEEB COOOOOLTER,” like he says Lesnar’s name.

*RIP R-Truth, who tragically passed after his heart was pierced by King Barrett’s rapidly expanding nose. You will be missed.

*Cesaro has done everything that a performer can do to prove that he’s an asset to the company, but, in doing so, he’s also helped to prove that others are also assets. What a guy, that guy is.

*In an attempt to play up the significance of Cesaro’s win over Rusev, the commentators actually played it down a bit. Between the three of you you had ONE JOB to do and all of you failed miserably.

*Stardust’s diabolical laughter needs to have stock lightning sound effects edited in behind it. I’m saying this, of course, as a joke, but every part of me knows WWE is going to do it soon.

*Team BAD. Seriously? That’s BEST AT DOMINATING. I cannot even any more. I’m trying to even and there’s no even happening.

*Imagine, if you will, that you set a trap in the woods and a raccoon gets stuck in it. You go out, gun in-hand, to meet this raccoon that has no idea you’re coming and is exactly where you want him. You get to him, he punches you in the face, then punches a nearby bear in the face and spears it, then all the birds in the area cheer for him as he stands over your knocked-out self. That’s the story of Bray Wyatt ambushing Roman Reigns.

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