Before we dive right into this week’s review, I feel like I should preface things by saying that I have absolutely no organization in my life. If you look in my vehicle you’ll die. Instantly. It’s chaos. It looks like the inside of The Joker’s mind…except with a few less corpses. So, it’s going to take me a few runs here to lock down a good format for the reviews. Last week’s was sorta a carbon copy of The Raw Deal because it’s what I know. This week I’ll attempt to get away from that a little bit and do something new. Something…bombastic. Something…phenomenal. I’m wasting all of my hyperbole here, so I’ll hope you get the point and I’m going to save adjectives like “amazing,” and, “spectacular,” for later on. You’ll see.
Smackdown opens with Daniel Bryan coming down to the ring for a promo. He’s cut off by Bad News Barret, then Sheamus. They want to deliver an “arse kicking,” because words are funny. Then Dolph Ziggler comes out all fired up and says they can fight. Then The Big Show comes out and interrupts. I’m sick of hearing theme songs. I’m going to write, “And now here comes Roman Reigns,” before it happens because I can see it coming from miles away. Aaaaaaand…there he is. I’m either clairvoyant or these writers are predictable. I’m going with clairvoyant. And now I’m going to write, “A six-man tag is set for later in the show,” while I have the show paused in another window. Aaaaaaaand…it was a brawl. But it’s coming. Mark my words, brothers and sisters, it’s coming.
*Bryan claiming last week when he won the Intercontinental Championship was a highlight of his career. I wonder if he remembers the end of Wrestlemania XXX?
*Calling Ziggler and Bryan “munchkins” needs to become a racist term in WWE. “You said the M word? You’re going to Hell.”
*Munchkins. Spelling that. Saying that. It gives me joy.
*The Big Show claims that his Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal win means he’s eclipsed Andre as the greatest giant of all time. Heels and their lies.
*I wonder if one of the Divas braids Dolph’s hair for him before he comes out?
*Six-man tag announced after the first commercial break. I legitimately laughed out loud.
Cesaro and Tyson Kidd out for a tag match against A New Day
*A New Day’s promo at the beginning was a straight heel promo from Big E. At one point he said, “We’re here for all of you,” but he paused after, “We’re here…” so I really wanted him to blow on the microphone and for the lights to go out. Cuz Bray Wyatt is better than him.
*Who the f*** is the heel in this match? The crowd is supposed to boo both teams, according to WWE storyline logic (which is about as real as fairies and healthy hotdogs). Slim pickin’ backstage tonight because of the big European tour.
*A New Day overreacting to everything they do is awesome. I want it to get to a ludicrous extreme. Like, Kofi hits a big spot and then all three of them jump in the ring and sing “Shapoopy” for ten minutes.
*I will forgive absolutely everything the WWE has ever done wrong if they give Cesaro a main event push. He’s not a human. He’s literally a Terminator.
*Big E really impressed me here. A New Day in general did. This whole new “edge” they’ve got gives them a nice intensity. And with two guys as amazing (<– There’s one) as Cesaro and Kidd, it was just all-around entertaining.
*Overall, I loved this match. It was a blend of being technical and very entertaining. Not a classic, but it absolutely held my attention. It was fun, which is what wrestling should be. It ended after Tyson Kidd got the pinfall.
A lot of this show is replays of Raw, and I don’t feel like going over all of them because you can just read The Raw Deal and you’re all set.
Next match was Curtis Axel vs. Neville.
*I’m fine with joining the Neville hype train. Although, I do suspect that he is only capable of flying because his ears catch the wind for him.
*I’ll also say that I’m terrified for the day he misses a spot because it’s going to result in instant death.
*The Road to AXtreme Rules. El oh el.
*Match was just a showcase for Neville, which is acceptable. Get this dude in the ring with more guys like Rollins because that’s how you prove that WWE’s roster is possibly at the best it’s been. Ever. A lot of people will argue that the blessed “ATTITUDE ERA” was better. I’ll go on record to say that the writing and the freedom of the performers was better then, but look at the WWE roster right now. Rollins, Neville, Bryan, Ziggler, The Usos, Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, Lesnar, Ambrose, Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Paige. The list goes on, and that’s not even looking at NXT, which is just a whole other animal. WWE is on the cusp of something great, but they aren’t taking advantage of it.
Next up was Natalya vs. Alicia Fox.
*More Natalya on the show is a good thing, but I’m a tad confused at this point if she’s a heel or a babyface. She switches between segments.
*Natalya won with a Sharpshooter and I’m happy about that. She has an intensity and a look that makes her legitimately look like a woman you don’t mess with. Canada has given us a few duds in the real world (Sorry, John, but these are facts), but Canadian professional wrestlers are a special breed.
Bray Wyatt came out for a match with Erick Rowan.
I’ve seen his entrance a thousand times and I still love it. The music, the lights, the clapping. Everything about it is spectacular (ßThere’s the other one). The only issue I have is the stupid way they have the fireflies spell his name when he comes to the ring. They made that in iMovie in ten minutes.
*Wyatt cut a promo before the match about how he used to love Rowan and protected him from the world…or something. He again referenced whoever his promo on Monday night was about. I’m legitimately unsure who it is. Most likely someone who he’s going to screw out of a match at Extreme Rules as a way to shift their feuds.
*I’m overly hopeful that this leads to the reformation of the Wyatt Family at some point. Rowan has pretty much just turned into a jump-suited swamp redneck with no direction. Luke Harper has done well, but I really like the Wyatt Family. I also like pink Starbursts. No Wyatt Family. No Starbursts. Life is pain.
*Wyatt is such a smart talent. The little things like facial expressions and the way he carries himself in the ring is great, and he has a very long time to grow that. He’s a blast to watch.
*This was probably the best match Rowan has had since his split from the Wyatt Family. He and Wyatt have chemistry because they’ve known each other’s in-ring style and ability for a long time.
*The number of beard grabs in this match was probably close to a record when you look at minutes:beard grab ratios.
*Wyatt won with Sister Abagail in the end. I probably could have typed that up at the start of the match. It was a hard-hitting match. Big guy matches aren’t always great, but these two aren’t Big Shows or Khalis. They’re two guys who look like they can hurt you. It ended with a little shred of hope that Wyatt might eventually bring Rowan back into his family, but probably no time soon.
A VERY SPECIAL MIZ TV segment! I’ve been waiting all night for this…is what I would say if I was lying.
*A preview for The Marine 4. The crowd booed. Why? Because they’re smart. WWE is fine with making their movie look like crap. No one wants to watch this movie. If you write in the comments that you want to see it then I’m going to call you a liar and a butthole.
*Summer Rae came out because she’s also in the movie. She talked about stuff. It was so forced that I kinda blanked out for a moment. Miz is a good talker, so he carried it as much as he could.
*Mizdow came out and Miz talked trash. Summer Rae stood by awkwardly watching it. Miz said he would forgive Mizdow if he apologized. He said he was sorry, and everyone watching said to themselves, “Sorry for not doing this sooner!” exactly as Mizdow said it. Predictable, but fine.
*You don’t want to watch The Marine 4.
Main event with Bad News Barrett, Big Show and Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns, Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan.
*Screw taking a Big Show chop. Screw that stupid corner Go Pro camera that WWE can’t apparently get in HD. And screw Jerry Lawler’s “jokes.” “I heard Big Show went to see Furious 7 and sat next to everyone.” Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with one of the most respected wrestlers in history…now turned into an orange, leather handbag with a crown on it. Louis Vuitton would sell him for like $8,000 if he let them.
*Dolph Ziggler is awesome and his frizzy hair is awesomer.
*The fake crowd chants for Roman Reigns were pretty obvious. It’s really hard to sell a rabid crowd when WE CAN SEE THE F***ING CROWD SITTING DOWN SILENTLY.
*The match was the typical WWE tag match where the heels worked over one of the babyfaces for a long time so that a hot tag would work the crowd up. The option of having Daniel Bryan be the babyface in peril who needs to tag in Roman Reigns wasn’t the best way to accomplish that. Bryan is the legitimate most popular guy in the company (second maybe to Lesnar now), whereas Reigns is the guy we want to see struggle more. So…yeah…let’s do the logic over the best way to work up a crowd here.
*The psychology behind putting Reigns on a team with two popular guys like Ziggler and Bryan is pretty self-explanatory. They want us to love him, but in the end they keep going back to him being an invincible and unstoppable force. I’m not even going to dwell on that. The thing is, Reigns isn’t as bad as some people think. He’s got a good intensity and he’s athletic as hell. However, watch this match. He was Mr. Buncha Punches. I didn’t count, but he basically hit maybe 20 punches to all three guys, then a Spear, then got the win. He needs a move set to be in the ring with guys like Lesnar or Bryan who have such a multitude of offense. WWE’s not going to read this, but I’m not the only one saying it.
*Overall it was a decent match, pretty much exactly what it was supposed to be. It could have been more just because it had the talent. It could have had less because it could have also involved Kane. Let’s at least appreciate that for a minute.
The show was an okay show. I wouldn’t say it was necessarily better than last week, but not worse either. The match with A New Day was very entertaining. I’m not saying it was a 5-star classic, but I really enjoyed it. I say that about most matches involving Cesaro because he is just different. Adding someone as versatile as Tyson Kidd to his matches is a stroke of pure genius. Bottom line is that Cesaro and Kidd are great, and A New Day is growing on me rapidly because of this new story with them. Why is it working? Because it’s ORGANIC. It wasn’t planned out six months ago, it just happened because that’s the natural direction of their characters because of how the crowd reacts to them.
I’m tired now because writing uses brains. Follow me on Twitter @JakobDraper and exchange all of your personal identification information with me. Credit card numbers, social security, band accounts, telephone numbers, Facebook passwords. I’ll take it all.