WWE Raw Commentfest for 03/05/18 by John Canton

Here we go again with another week of bonus WWE Raw content right here on TJRWrestling. It’s where we dive deeper into WWE Monday Night Raw to give you even more witty and smartass comments about WWE’s weekly Monday show. This is the 7th edition of the reboot of what we like to call Commentfest.

The comments come from loyal TJRWrestling readers on my Facebook page. Their comments will appear in blue and red font while my comments (often times sarcastic) will be in black in (parentheses) like that. To help break up some of the text, I’ll insert some clips from Raw at the part where the readers are talking about it. I won’t do it for the whole show, but a few clips helps to break up the text. I sifted through the comments to pick out the best ones. Let’s get to it. (I just copy that in every week. Saves time.)

Ronda Rousey gets her WrestleMania match: Raw, March 5, 2018

For the dozens watching on Canton’s wall, and the dozens also watching at home…leeeeeeetsssssssss get ready to commenttttttttt. (That sounds familiar.)

TJRwrestling may have a new look, but you’ll still get the same perverted comments for Commentfest.

Are you ready?……I SAID ARE YOU READY?!….For The Thousands in attendance…For the millions watching at home…And for John Cena we don’t care about your road to WrestleMania when we care about Rusev Day!! So now let me say welcome and GET READY TO COMMMMMENTTT!!!

Welcome to commentfest where the fun lasts longer than a Brock Lesnar house show appearance.

Don’t let this distract you from the fact that in 1966, Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in a single game while playing for the Polk High School Panthers in the 1966 city championship game versus Andrew Johnson High School, including the game-winning touchdown in the final seconds against his old nemesis, Bubba “Spare Tire” Dixon. (Whoa Bundy.)

They’re not the Authority anymore. Apparently, they’re the Power Couple. Any chance WWE runs out of stupid nicknames anytime soon?

KURT YOU FOOL YOU CAN’T CALL OUT THE GAME!!! (Yeah because Triple H is busy watching ROH and Impact to find his next stars.)

Stephanie McMahon in those pants (insert fire emojis).

Stephanie talks too much….right?

Seriously, why doesn’t Rousey go all Minoru Suzuki on Steph and pretend to break her arm while laughing like a maniac? (Seriously!)

Say what you will about Rousey, she genuinely looks happy to be there at least.

Oh, the irony of a fighter coming out to a song about not caring about their reputation, but falling apart after a couple of losses. (Thanks for posting, Holly Holm.)

Ronda’s tribute to Piper can only get better if she does his signature eye poke.

Lol Kurt said he has 5 kids? It’s 6 KURT!! U forgetting about Jason Jordan Angle already??? (Haha good point.)

Tag team match playa! Holla Holla Holla!!

The tag match isn’t official unless Teddy Long declares it.

Y’all know what’s gonna happen at Mania? Ronda’s gonna pin Hunter because Steph ain’t taking the pin. (Not allowed in a mixed tag, but hi Vince!)

They look like two drunk uncles fighting for the last beer at the BBQ. (Mmmm beer and BBQ.)

Is Steph trying out for Baywatch with that bounce?

Leave Stephanie alone.

So what are they gonna do with Rousey every week on Raw? It’s not like she’s a good promo. Maybe we’ll get some training montages or something. Somebody find her a chicken to chase.

Was that a Samoan Drop? An AA? An F5? I don’t know but that segment was a five finger stinker. (I liked it.)

Ronda is going to rip Steph’s arm off and feed it to her.

Damn, I honestly thought there’s no way we’d see that til the actual match at Mania, but hopefully this chills out some of the whining about how Stephanie “never gets her comeuppance.”

I wish Roddy Piper was still alive so he could be the mouth piece for Ronda Rousey. (That would be so cool.)

That segment was fantastic!!

I thought Rousey’s finisher was gonna be the GTS for a second there. (Thanks for posting, Phil Brooks you punk.)

For a second there….. I thought Ronda was gonna pull off an F-5 and foreshadow a future alliance with Heyman….Great segment!!! Finally, Steph gets made vulnerable!!!

WWE Rewind Let the Stephanie on her back jokes begin. (Hello Attitude Era.)

Shocking bombshell? Who was shocked by them making this match? (Teddy Long.)

I fell asleep and missed the start of the show. Here I am. (Thanks for posting, Linda McMahon.)

Asuka vs. Nia Jax: Raw, March 5, 2018

Asuka vs Nia live on Raw! Because who gives a rats ass if it was just on pay per view!!! Put it on free tv a week later! Brought to you by the wwe creative team: fuck it.

This is the new Cena vs Orton.

Asuka’s streak is in jeopardy from someone she’s beaten twice already? (Welcome to WWE.)

Nia should come out dressed as Godzilla…maybe Asuka would run for her life…

Damn Mickie James. (The good kind of Damn.)

Every time Alexa comes on screen my marriage is jeopardized.

WTH was that move Nia did? Didn’t look good….

Alexa is singlehandely reviving the lotion industry.

Nia “Big Sexy” Jax just might be the perfect woman. She’s fine like wine and can help you move.

Everyone knows that the streak of Asuka will only be broken by Ramona Reigns… (Spoilers bro.)

I want Nia Jax to bat me around like a Doberman plays with a fuzzy widdle kitty. For the love of God don’t print this.

How is that a triangle? I know it’s a work but that’s not even close.

Lmao Nia’s fan is so pissed right now.

Nia Jax should change her last name to either Horowitz or Jobber. (I miss Barry.)

Well, this should definitively end the “Can Asuka beat Nia?!?!?!?” question.

Once Cena loses at Fastlane… can we change his theme song to “Road to Nowhere” by the Talking Heads?

Uh……..anybody know who these two girls doing America the beautiful at Mania are? (Weird Al was booked.)

Sorry I missed most of the first 30 mins due to getting divorced over Asuka. (You know what they say, divorces last forever.)

Wait a heel vs heel match? This should excite the crowd.

If the revival lose this match they get relegated to the WrestleMania kickoff show at 2pm eastern time with 6 people in the crowd.

How are the Revival, with less momentum than Koko B Ware or Barry Horowitz, one win away from a title shot? That makes slightly more sense than Kevin Federline beating John Cena…wait no it doesn’t.

I’m pointing at my Cell phone does that count at pointing at WrestleMania sign?

WWE hates established tag teams like Michael Cole hates nuanced, informative commentary. (Valid point.)

Crowd has died harder than Bruce Willis’ career. What a shame.

The Revival breaking out the Power Plex!! Someone call Paul Roma!! (He’s busy boring people.)

FML, I really wanted The Revival to go over.

The Revival need a trip to Smackdown.

JOHN CENAAAA (Settle down, Cole.)

I hate Cena. About as much as a green shirt. Oops.

Oh they’re talking about the record… Cena’s definitely losing.

So, Nakamura won the rumble, becoming the first Japanese person to do so, and the entire SmackDown storyline appears to be centered on…Cena?

A random GOLDUST has appeared!

Cena’s really coming out here and saying he’s never been handed shit, and never held anyone back, like…. wat. Bitch, we are not goldfish. We have memories longer than the last fifteen minutes.

Goldy is a NATURAL on the microphone.

Seriously Goldy? Stop big match John? (Raw is a long show. They have time to fill.)

Dustin is one of the most underrated wrestlers ever but this makes no sense. (Agree with that about Dustin.)

That was Goldy’s best promo in forever.

Well, that was a nothing match.

Well, that was…..pointless. SMH.

Okay, I get off from work and the first thing I see is John Cena wrestling Goldust.. I’m Logic and I don’t even get this…

I thought Goldust was going to win. (Thanks for posting, Cody Rhodes.)

Every time I see Kurt Angle, I can’t stop staring at the little vein popping out of his head.

Why has it taken so long for WWE to induct Hillbilly Jim? Did he bang Vince’s goat or something?

The Mizzies- the only annual awards show to happen four times a year!!

Hillbilly Jim wishes he could walk with Elias.

I didn’t know how badly I needed a Hillbilly Jim video package until now. (Probably true.)

Davey Boy Smith and Big Van Vader are not in the HOF yet. Just saying. (Very good point.)

I hate that Paige wears makeup. She looks better without it.

Can somebody PLEASE teach Bayley to cut a goddamned promo? (The nervous girl thing is getting old, so I agree.)

I can’t understand Paige with all that loud makeup.

How did Bayley get stabbed in the back again? Are you not supposed to try and win matches in WWE anymore?

Go hug yourself.

So now either Bayley or Sasha are turning heel? I guess WWE wants their Raw Women’s division to be all heels! My god WWE creative sucks.

Will this be Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony of Destruction or will it be Braun’s Lullaby to Elias?

I don’t think I like Mickie being a glorified lackey.

Wtf is this promo. This is fucking cruel.

Alexa Bliss world’s worst motivator!

Alexa’s new gimmick of being a cold hearted bitch is starting off strong. (It’s not that new, but it’s good.)

Nia is crying? I understand women get emotional and all, but..yeah. (WWE loves crying.)

Maybe we should RUN with Elias tonight?

Braun’s promo skills have improved by leaps and bounds.

Ooo.. a six-pack challenge.. It’s like the Elimination Chamber.. without the chamber… and the eliminations… (Fastlane this Sunday!)

Braun Strowman and Elias clash in first-ever Symphony of Destruction Match: Raw, March 5, 2018

So is a symphony of destruction match anything like a good housekeeping match? And are either of them like a street fight?

See, how come WWE is wasting this talent known as Elias? I mean, couldn’t you imagine him and Aiden English together? Man, that could be called the Maestros!

I’d like to see Elias on the cowbell. I bet he doesn’t explore the studio space!

Good thing Kevin Dunn had multiple cameramen at the ready just in case Elias decided to R-U-N-N-O-F-T. (Dunn was worried Braun would attack his production truck again.)

“Why are you enjoying this so much?” Because it’s fucking fun, Coach. Because Braun Strowman is a god damned comic book character, and it’s fucking fun to watch. That’s all I need from this shit.

That bass will have no treble.

Biggest guitar in the world? Fuck you Coach.

I don’t know why, but I have never liked the destruction of musical instruments. Not by a band or on a TV show.

You think Vince ever just dozes off at Gorilla? He’s old and his show is boring. He’s gotta take a power nap at some point, right? (I would. I enjoy naps more than Raw most weeks.)

So it’s limp with Elias, right?

Walk with an Ambulance!

50 superstars eh? Somebody must be tired of seeing Alberto Del Rio’s name as the winner of the biggest Royal Rumble ever…

Man, no joke. Fuck this show. It’s been awful. My power went out two weeks ago during Raw. I wish it had gone out tonight too. (Thanks for posting again, Linda McMahon.)

The Hardy compound? Oh lord……

Bray Wyatt to fall into the Lake of Reincarnation?


Senor Benjamin prepare the battlefield for massacre! (He’s ready.)

Mizzies.. because we have no idea how to fill 3 plus hours with in ring performance.. it was either this, or we show the opening promo yet again.

Best way to sum up this show…This show has so much filler but no substance…

Nobody wins in this Miz segment. Especially us.

John Canton deserves a lifetime achievement Mizzie. (Thanks for posting, Maryse.)

Can’t deny it. Miz is great on the mic.

Miz needs a universal title run. He is on top of his game.

Rollins or Balor will win the IC Title. The other will go to SmackDown.

Hulk Hogan considers “Black Panther” a horror picture.

Good job by Miz burying Rollins who has one of the highest pay per view winning percentages of the modern era. Heels lie. (They sure do.)

I get the Burn it Down” reference being invoked, but couldn’t Rollins do any better than one of Adam Bomb’s reject tights?

So Seth’s finishers are “the knee” and “the stomp”. Great names there. Amazing. (So creative!)

Three losses for The Miz in two weeks?? Yep, he’s retaining at WrestleMania.

Paul Heyman responds to Roman Reigns: Raw, March 5, 2018

Best promo of the last few weeks coming up next……everyone’s favorite advocating Jew. (Larry David? Oh right the Heyman guy.)

Poor John, he goes through this shit (RAW) every week. (Thanks for your concern!)

Paul really needs to stop saying “defending” because that implies Brock actually defends the championship.

Remember when Heyman ran ECW and had a cap and a leather trench coat? That Heyman looks like 2018 Paul Heyman’s radical brother.

YOU CAN’T SAY BULLSHIT ON TV PAUL! (He did and we love him for it.)

Paul is a maestro of wordplay. He uses the English language like I would use Alexa Bliss.

BAD play on words, BAD. Afa and Sika? BAD.

These two are saying bitch more than a Real Housewives episode….. I think that’s a show.

“Brock’s bitch?” Oh for fuck’s sake. Heyman just got me horny for the Universal belt. Please don’t print that. (Sorry pal.)

AJ Styles would like to have a word on being the best. (Since Lesnar beat Styles at Survivor Series, in WWE land that makes Lesnar better.)

I love Paul, but damn he is rambling. This promo should’ve been over five minutes ago.

Ramble Ramble Ramble Shut up Paul.

The microphone is Heyman’s bitch. He could have made George Washington betray the colonies to the British.

That Heyman Promo…really wasn’t that good.

Samoa Joe did this intimidate Heyman thing first and better. (It’s not like he did it first, but did it better yes.)

Who wrote this Raw? A 13-minute overrun for this? There is no Logical explanation for this… Until next time…

Good lord, I could not possibly care less about this Lesnar/Reigns feud. It’s just sad now. (Cue the brawl next week.)

Promo segment to start and end the show. I wonder if this is going to be the trend the next four weeks (spoiler, it probably is). Goodnight everybody!

Yeah, this show sucked. The short run of decent Raws is already over.

Well Monday Night Raw is over and what have we learned tonight Miz can have as bad of a segment as Bayley’s this is your life…….That Stephanie is going to get her arm ripped off at WrestleMania…….Elias needs to have good health insurance……..Mickie for some reason can’t get promo time and for some reason is being bossed around by Bliss……And the Universal Championship is being compared to a woman because well of course it is……Well this was another odd night and a nightmarish look into Vince McMahon’s mind and why he needs to retire good night everyone and remember Miz would get destroyed in Japan.

I saw episodes of Superstars in 1989 and 1990 that were better than tonight’s Raw. (Bring back Horowitz!)

That’s all for us. Thanks for the support of everybody on the Facebook page and feel free to add in some thoughts below too.