If WWE Was Modeled After Mortal Kombat

This week saw the release of Mortal Kombat X. It’s understandable that not everyone is into gaming, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve faded away from it in the past ten years to a point where it’s essentially only a social thing to me now. Yet, Mortal Kombat is one of those nostalgic experiences that I can’t help but be intrigued by.

If you’re unfamiliar, then I’m going to catch you up.

The basis of Mortal Kombat is violence. Not just normal “let’s shoot stuff” violence, but absolutely ridiculous, over-the-top, blood-covered violence. It pits two fighters who apparently are completely immune to death up until their magical health bar is empty. Fireballs, swords, broken necks, gallons of blood, missing limbs, mutilated bodies, evisceration, cannibalism. It’s all fair game in the MK Universe. It’s definitely not for you if you have a weak stomach.

It may be a tad unreasonably violent, to be certain, it’s a fun time if you’re into it. I have a demented sense of humor. I’m that guy who wants to look up slasher films because they make me laugh. I’m the guy who understands the subtlety of black comedy and thoroughly enjoys it. There’s a famous scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is chasing a prostitute with a chainsaw, but he’s stark naked except for a pair of ultra-white socks. It’s hilarious to me, but not to everyone. So, with that, you’ve been warned that this article may get a tad tasteless in the eyes of some.

The WWE is a federation of ultra-ripped characters. It’s not entirely different from the Mortal Kombat world, just with a lot less magic and disembowelment. That’s not going to stop me from smashing these two worlds together because it would be entertaining. Sure, they made that WWE Immortals mobile game where the Superstars had magical powers and whatnot, but they missed the prime komponant (See what I did there?): The gore. Imagine a world where WWE and Mortal Kombat kollided (get used to it).

John Cena’s “five moves of doom” are essentially his Brutality. Everyone’s favorite jorts-wearing Superman would obviously use his strength and unlimited health bar to his advantage. The double shoulder tackler has to be beefed-up, so let’s assume Cena has rockets in his shoes for some reason. His shoulder tackle has to break both of his kompetitor’s shoulders as they connect, and then his back drop has to land them directly on top of their skull so it shatters on impact. The Five-Knuckle Shuffle can’t just be a fist drop, but instead Cena has to punch through their abdomen and pull out their intestines, then use them to puppeteer the poor soul he’s taking down back to his feet and yank him in for a modified Attitude Adjustment. In this variation, Cena hangs onto their head as he flips them off of his shoulders and forcefully removes his head, displaying it to the crowd of ravenous fans before him.

I know you’re thinking, “What about Roman Reigns?” Just calm down. I’m getting there. The trick to Roman’s moveset is that all the buttons on the controller are punches. Ground punches, standing punches, running punches, and flaming punches. Tap B for kick? Nope. Foot punches. A fist grows out of his knee and punches his opponent. Then there’s the spear. It has to actually spear the adversary in half. That’s pretty mild though, so once Roman has both halves laid out before him, he has to punch them two more times.

Brock Lesnar is essentially the Goro of WWE. Just playing as him is cheating because his health bar regenerates faster than you can chip away at it. Lesnar would have a magical ability to clone himself infinite times and spam you with suplexes. A German suplex from one clone to the next in an endless cycle of death and broken bones, then an F-5 that literally turns into a tornado…full of ninja throwing stars for some reason. The end result isn’t pretty. It’s not even fun to fight Lesnar in this world. You inevitably get frustrated and eat your controller like a rice cake.

We can’t ignore the Divas. Brie Bella would be a weak character at first, but once her health bar is depleted she enters BRIE MODE and becomes an unstoppable killing machine. For essentially no logical reason, she’s also a cannibal and eats her opponent. Her fatality is a rollup. It sounds lame, I know, but that’s because the development team hasn’t given the Divas a chance yet.

CM Punk would have to be an unlockable character. He’s unique because he can’t win. No matter how hard he fights, he can’t win. Instead, he hits his finisher, which is a Go To Sleep that results in using his knee to cave in his opponent’s face, then somehow spewing acid from his mouth onto their wounds. But, right before finishing them off (cuz somehow this stuff doesn’t result in immediate death) he just throws up his arms and walks off screen and never comes back.

Randy Orton’s character always has a robe on. Why? Because a freak tanning accident led to him having all of his skin melted off and now he has to be protected from, ya know, fireballs and the such. The RKO isn’t a move in this universe, but instead it’s a tiny gremlin that eats his opponent’s face. The unique thing about the RKO Gremlin is that it just flashes on the screen randomly and eats your face. It always seems to come out of nowhere. Then there’s the Punt, which is when Orton football kicks their head into the crowd and they use it like a beach ball at a summer concert.

Seth Rollins has an alternate costume where he’s just naked. They obviously pixelize it so you don’t have to be distracted. Rollins’ offense is that he can literally fly, which is pretty sweet. The Curb Stomp is literally onto a rock of some sort, with an X-ray camera for maximum carnage. The real challenge in facing Seth Rollins is that he has two minions that can randomly interfere, though they are easily killed in one punch.

Of course Bray Wyatt has to be in here. His character is a giant mystery with the ability to mind-control his opponent for limited amounts of time. He often uses this ability to cause his enemies to walk into bloody spike pits, mutilate themselves, eat live grenades, and feud with John Cena in an attempt to kill their momentum meter, rendering them completely useless in later fights. The Sister Abagail conjures a banshee that screams so loud that all of the opposing character’s skin is removed and they are left in a pile of their muscle, tendons, organs, and bones.

Luke Harper is actually a swamp creature, basically being a giant ball of pond scum with a wifebeater, beard, and really crazy eyeballs.

Kane is the Scorpion of the WWE/MK universe, except less ninja and more sadistic monster who likes to electrocute your testicles.

Triple H’s finisher is to drop the opposing character into the pits of Hell, then bury them so they can never get back out.

The Mr. McMahon character is extremely hard to fight because he decides on a whim that his opponent is more or less powerful, depending on his own mood.

R-Truth has an invisibility move, which allows him to sneak up and steal his opponent’s internal organs without them realizing it.

Sheamus has magical control over hoards of chickens that do his bidding. Fighting one chicken seems easy? Now fight ONE MILLION CHICKENS.

Zack Ryder is a fun character because the bell rings and he loses. Automatically. Not fun to play as, but fun to fight if you’ve tried taking on Brock Lesnar too many times.

There are more. I know you just read this and came up with one that’s better than any of the ones I just made. You’re probably wondering how to share those with me? Well, Sir or Ma’am, write your ideas in the comments and send them to me on Twitter. I’m always up for a little banter. @JakobDraper is the place, now is the time.

BRUTALITY.