In the amount of time it took for them to recap everything from Raw this week I had time to cook steaks for my whole family, visit the neighbors, feed their cat (poison, not food, cuz I’m mean) and watch all of Raw. That’s like…that’s not even logical. Who am I kidding? This is professional wrestling. It’s never logical. Let’s get this thing rolling.

We get this thing rolling with Seth Rollins heading to the ring alongside Kane and Joey Mercury because Brock Lesnar told him a really funny joke on Raw and make him crack up. Or something. I’m trying to PG the violence here. For whatever reason, Jimmy Uso is on commentary. I’m not angry about that. He’s got a lot of energy and it’s not even feasible to make Jerry Lawler’s commentary worse.

Seth Rollins accidentally cut a superb promo about how we need change to grow in life. He cut that promo on Tuesday, it aired on Thursday, and then on Friday America changed and it was cool that I watched this on Saturday. He was referring to his days in The Shield, but I’m going to assume he’s actually a clairvoyant, and so am I. He mentioned Jamie Noble’s broken ribs, which, despite how much that sucks for Noble, makes Lesnar that much more of an animal to viewers. Way to take one for the team, Noble. He then dedicated Smackdown to Jamie Noble. I find it funny that he always calls him, “Jamie Noble,” when he talks about him. I mean, do you do that when you talk about your friends? He called him Jamie once, but the rest of the time he called him by his full name. I’m nitpicking, but I’m telling you, people don’t do that IRL.

Kane took the mic and talked about how The Big Show isn’t there because Ryback beat him up on Raw. I mean, the handful of suplexes that Rollins took was more of a beating than Ryback pushing Big Show down once. Maybe Big Show is a big, fat faker. Either way, it led to Ryback heading down to the ring for Rollins to say that’s not how champions are supposed to act. But…aren’t champions supposed to win fights? That’s how they became champions, right? Am I right? For the record, a little birdy told me that Ryback has been working with Jimmy Jacobs closely to work on his promos, and that’s why Ryback has had so much more characterization in recent months. Well done, Mr. Jacobs.

All of this led to Kane announcing that Ryback had to face him. Go look up The Scream by Edward Munch. That was my face at that announcement. Except instead of being colored in pastel it was colored with pure sarcasm. Rollins also announced that he is taking on Ambrose again because he wants to prove he can beat him. This is fine. I put a literal stamp of approval on it. Now I need to clean my computer screen.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

*Lana and Dolph Ziggler’s entire relationship is based on little kisses sometimes. They’re so cute. And by “cute” I mean they have no idea how to push that story forward without Rusev’s involvement so they just have them smooch once in a while in hopes that Rusev can heal (or is it…HEEL up? AMIRITE???) up soon and get the ball rolling on their feud.

*Just as I finished that point Rusev hobbled out to tell Lana to come back with him. That’s fine because at least his purpose on this show wasn’t to stand in the back and get angry about stuff.

*Lana with her hair down? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhm. Except with infinite more “mmmmmm” in front.

*The catch 22 with having seen this match so many times is that these two have some really good chemistry so their matches are bursts of really fast-paced action. Then they both get knocked down for a breath, then continue to be relentless. Both of them are good performers.

*Sheamus won when he hit a Brogue Kick on Ziggler as he was hanging from the top turnbuckle. This is fine, since it means the guy holding the Money in the Bank briefcase is actually going to be getting some victories now and then. This is relevant.

Winner: Sheamus

They gave us a flashback of the day The Shield broke up. I actually got a little sad watching it. One day, once Rollins has had his time with the title, I would be 100% onboard for a reunion.

Alicia Fox vs. Naomi

*Jimmy Uso had to remain a babyface while talking about Naomi, who’s a heel. But she’s against Alicia Fox in this match, who’s a heel. Or..she was. Like two weeks ago. I don’t know what the f*** is even happening any more with the divas.

*Ya know what? No. This needs a second bulletpoint. Who the Hell is the crowd supposed to support? They’re both villains. This is like if Lex Luthor and The Joker get into a fist fight. The main difference is that we don’t care about these characters because they don’t have any personality and The Joker and Lex Luthor have oodles. The Divas are just…UGH. That’s my official adjective. UGH UGH UGH. Whoever is in charge of this division needs to find a new job.

*There was some brawling outside that led to Alicia Fox getting the win. That sucks because she’s the villain. Damn. If I had to choose between the two I would go with Naomi because she’s super athletic and I can respect her a lot, so I suppose that’s who I support? God, Paige needs to get done with Tough Enough because she’s the only character who’s not confusing.

Winner: Alicia Fox

A little recap of the Kevin Owens/John Cena feud. Here’s my only bulletpoint for it this week:

*Suckbag.

An interview with The New Day. Please, if you don’t watch any wrestling at all I am absolutely begging you to watch these guys. The Prime Time Players came and interrupted it and it saddened me. They’re not a bad team, but The New Day is just next level entertaining. Big E’s positivity sermons are better than anything you’ve ever seen. With the one single exception of Bo Dallas…WHO JUST HAPPENED TO JOIN IN ON THIS PROMO. Comedy act or not, it’s just amazing. He couldn’t even clap in rhythm with them because he’s so perfectly imperfect.

Kane vs Ryback

*Ryback got jumped on the stage by The Big Show. See? I told you he’s a big, fat faker. I didn’t read the spoilers or see this in advance. I called that shit.

*I don’t know why, but I imagined Kane saying, “The beatings will continue until morale improves,” during the overlong segment while The Big Show beat up Ryback. I mean, he’s not doing much else for this. He’s just hanging in the ring, probably feeling kind of awkward. Maybe they should have had Ryback come out first and then had Kane make his entrance during the beatdown? Wouldn’t that have saved like a minute of runtime that we could use for something else? Efficiency is key, folks.

*Big Show threw Ryback into the ring and he kicked out after two. That was a good way to put him over as a badass.

*Ryback made a comeback and nearly won, but it was stopped when Big Show interfered for the DQ. That was lame. Ryback actually winning that match via pinfall would have been good for him, and it’s not like Kane is in line for any pushes any time soon.

Winner: Ryback by DQ

The beating did in fact continue after the bell ring, though I doubt any morale changed.

Jimmy Uso on commentary, to me, sounds like a guy watching the show while sitting at home and just talking to his friends about what he’s watching. I’m not complaining. It makes me laugh. It wasn’t planned, I’m sure. He just came out before the show, sat down at the announce table and said, “I feel like doing this. Hope y’all don’t mind.”

The New Day and Bo Dallas vs The Prime Time Players and The Lucha Dragons

*The fact that The Prime Time Players and Lucha Dragons were doing the New Day’s claps bothered me a little. It’s sorta like how when Daniel Bryan’s “Yes” chants took off, so all the other faces on the roster started using it to get over better. The claps are really, really fun and now other teams are using The New Day’s success to put themselves over. To me, that’s cheap.

*Bo Dallas could very easily be a member of The New Day. People are going to do the whole race nonsense where they claim he shouldn’t because he’s white, and to those people I say only, “You’ve completely missed the point of The New Day.”

*Furthermore, they had Sin Cara stuck in the corner and all four of them tagged in and out continuously in order to keep a fresh man on offense at all times. That’s a very simple way to sell the idea that they work well together.

*Kalisto is batshit crazy. Him and Neville need to have matches every day. WWE.com would have an article up about it that ended with, “There were no survivors.”

*There was a point before Kalisto’s hot tag where the camera was up in his team’s corner to get a good angle. All I could think was, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Sin Cara tagged in that cameraman for the lols?”

*Kalisto’s momentum kept up straight until he got the pinfall win. The last minute of this match was incredibly fun. That guy has a bright future, supposing his size doesn’t work against him.

Winner: The Prime Time Players and Lucha Dragons

They cut backstage to Roman Reigns and Ambrose talking, then to Reigns searching for Bray Wyatt. He was all pissy and Kane told him to stop because he had to maintain a safe working environment. Just like he did when he let The Big Show beat up Ryback despite not having a match against him on the show. Just like that. This isn’t a logic loophole, just an example of a hypocritical heel who tries to justify being a dick.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

*So are Kane and Joey Mercury “JK Security” now?

*The show started with a recap of the Raw segment with Brock Lesnar, then they recapped it again in the discussion about Jamie Noble, then this match started with it again. All of them with the same footage. The video team is feeling lazy.

*The chemistry between Ambrose and Rollins is one of those, “Duh?” things. But I’m going to mention it anyway. For the sake of new readers.

*The story of the match was Rollins working over the injured leg of Ambrose. Once again. Simple and effective. I mentioned last week that Ambrose sold the leg injury for well after what guys in the company sell injuries for, and now it’s been nearly two weeks and he’s STILL hurt. Injuries in real life take time to heal? Go figure.

*I’m going to start taking shots of Fireball every time Jerry Lawler says, “I love this.”

*I will die.

*The crowd is still so hot for Ambrose. His main event stint wasn’t necessary to keep him over, but it definitely did not hurt. When he’s firing up on offense the crowd eats it up.

*I’m really glad I’m not doing a play-by-play for this match because these two have a workrate so rapid that I wouldn’t even be able to keep up when they get rolling with some of their sequences.

*I don’t know why I love Ambrose’s rebounding clothesline so much, but maybe it’s because he’s words, and the ropes are rubber, and his opponent is glue. You put it together.

*A few shenanigans led to Rollins getting the pin with the Pedigree.

Winner: Seth Rollins

The show ended with the Authority standing tall, just like Raw. The Authority angle is constantly written like this: “The Authority is broken up. LOLJK THEY’RE STILL TOGETHER.”

What We Learned on this Week’s Smackdown

*Somehow the Raw recap at the beginning of the show actually broke the rules of time.

*This week’s show was dedicated to Jamie Noble. Because they mentioned him once at the beginning of the show. So. Much. Dedicating.

*Lana and Dolph Ziggler are kind of like middle school boyfriend/girlfriend. They go to the ring and kiss, then don’t talk until the next show. It’s sort of like a middle school couple who holds hands when they ride the bus home at night and then don’t talk again until the next day. That’s cray cray adorbs.

*The Bellas, in particular, can be summed up thusly: “They’re bad guys. K, now they’re good. Now they’re bad. Now they’re good. Okay, they’re bad again. Now they’re good.” Except in the past month.

*The New Day’s gimmick is too over, so I guess it’s time for the other, less successful teams to capitalize on it.

*The Bo Day? The New Dallas? The New Bollas? Whatever the case, it’s working for me.

*WWE thought I wouldn’t notice the lack of Cesaro on my screen. WWE was wrong. This trend had best be fixed or else I’ll do something about it.

*I won’t.

That’s it for me this week, fellas and dames. Go follow me on Twitter @JakobDraper or even, at long last, on Facebook. Just type in Jake Draper and safely assume we are both friends with John Canton and you’ll find me. Cyberspace is a big place, so don’t get lost out there. Y’all come back now, ya hear?

 

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